it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
