I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
