Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
