I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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