I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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