When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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