May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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