My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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