Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Randomize
