I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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