if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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