We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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