Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
