we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
