6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
