I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
