why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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