I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
