Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
