woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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