I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
