why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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