swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
