I puked a lego.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
