it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
