Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Sorry about my life...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
