im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
