how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
