So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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