You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
