I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
