somebody snuck up and got me drunk
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I lost the right to judge tonight
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
