he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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