I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
