Im at strip club and am horny
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
