So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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