im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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