Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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