College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
