I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
