Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
