I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
