That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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