he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
