My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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