omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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