I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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