my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
