He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
