We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
