I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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