We won't sleep together?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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