At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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