Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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