Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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