I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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