Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
