Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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