How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I could fuck to npr.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
